"She mended her life with the leftover bits of rubble from the storm mixed with the new that was being born. Her new life glimmered in the distance. A promise of something more beautiful than she could imagine. She was in the process of being born anew. She was in her wholeness. Her wounds were being healed." ~ Laurel Bleadon-Maffei
I found these beautiful words not too long ago and instantly felt connected to them. At this exact point in my life, this is exactly how I am feeling. I am passing through the storm of the past six years of my life. I am taking the "leftover bits of rubble" and living the life that I want to lead. I see the bits of rubble as memories (good & bad), lessons learned from mistakes, and those parts of myself that I love.
I'd lost my way temporarily, but I am finding my way back. Here are three ways this is unfolding for me right now.
1) I began doing things that I love and that feed my soul on a daily basis. It dawned on me that I used to watch a lot of TV and play computer games. This was my way of tuning out and forgetting my life for awhile. For so long I thought this was helping me, but it wasn't. How do I know this? For the past two weeks, I have only watched one TV program (Dancing with the Stars - that just makes me smile) and I haven't played a single computer game. I've been listening to music (recently rediscovered my love for piano music), reading and learning from spiritual masters, sitting in quiet reflection and meditation, and most importantly writing. I have felt happier and more free than I have in a very long time.
2) I have let go of my attachment to the outcome and the process. What does that mean? I have a clear vision of what I would like to see come to fruition in my life right now and I have let go of the how it should look or happen. In the past, I would have worried, fretted, planned, and worried more. In some cases, I talked myself out of doing something that probably would have been great! Now I have this clear vision in my head and heart, I feel and think about it, then I put it away and let it simmer for awhile. Miraculously within a day or two, an idea comes or something/someone comes along that helps me get one step closer to my vision. While I am "simmering", I continue on living life doing the things I love, working and not worrying about my circumstances. Since I adopted this new philosophy in life, I enjoy more and worry less.
3) I forgave myself for the mistakes of the past. I can tell you I was beating myself up more than anyone. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong and not for my highest good. At the time I was so filled with shame and self-loathing that I wasn't making decisions from a place of clarity and love, but from a place of fear and hate. It wasn't until I hit rock-bottom financially that I realized, I needed to forgive myself, love myself and move forward.
In the near future, I will take each of the areas and expand upon them. For now, I will leave with this wish... I wish for you to find what makes you feel passionate and experience it as often as possible, let go of attachment, and love yourself.